Well I want to apologize to you all because I've neglected to update as much as I promised. Life's been a crazy ride lately. But I want you all to know that I do really appreciate any feedback and views. Lately I've been kind of down, more than normal, and I've decided to start looking into seeing a therapist. The reason I'm telling you all is because I'm not ashamed of it. I may have depression or something along those lines and that's okay with me. There's nothing wrong with that. As a huge advocate of widening our views and awareness. I want others who suffer from extreme sadness or just going through a tough time to know that they're not alone. Sometimes life throws us off track to help us become stronger.
Anyways I hope that I'll be able to update more now that things have quieted down.
Stay beautiful!
Mischief Managed.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
The Fierce Love Movement
Here's general information:
"This Cause is in memory of Jeffrey Fehr, and anyone who has ever felt less than loved, and suffered the consequences. It is important that we let those around us know everyday, that we love them. This Cause is also tailored to reaching out to those that we don't know and offering messages of love, hope, compassion, and inspiration. The current movement within this Cause is to send out snail mail letters to random people across the country. The letters address love, hope, compassion, and inspiration. You never know when you will impact someone's life, and it's time we start taking the chance."
All you have to do is send a letter, picture, drawing, mixed CD, card, whatever you want to someone. Preferably someone you don't know. It doesn't have to be long, just something that would make that person(s) day. Get creative! Make sure you mention "The Fierce Love Movement" somewhere. If you would like to remain anonymous then feel free to sign as "The Fierce Love Movement" or even use a code-name! Make sure you keep a log of who and how many letters you send; so we can keep track.
I hope you all consider taking part in this amazing movement! If you would like me to send something to someone you know let me know! Send me an email at storiofmylife@yahoo.com
To keep updated with The Fierce Love Movement like them on facebook --> http://www.facebook.com/TheFierceLove
If you have any questions email me or TFLM at thefirevelove@gmail.com
As always stay magical and wonderful!
Mischief Managed.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Arms of the angel
So if you haven't heard by now...the holiday season was not kind to me. To start off with the less depressing news: I was supposed to go to Japan to see my boyfriend, however, my MRSA relapsed, so I couldn't go. The same night my grandmother was sent back to the ER. Because it still hurts to talk about the short version is she was sent to hospice and died on Friday December 30, 2011. It was hardest goodbye I've ever had to do. She was an amazing woman and the most spirited person I know. I hope to become more like her as time passes.
As a message to anyone who's lost a loved one or may be losing one...don't feel like you're alone. There is always at least one person who will listen to you. You will feel sad, you will feel angry and frustrated. There is no stopping the things you feel. I dealt with all of this by writing a poem and putting together the poems for the viewing and funeral. The praise is the best motivation to keep staying strong.
Below is my poem in honor of my grandmother (mom-mom):
I'll never forget your love,
That radiant fire glow.
It lives on within our hearts,
Forever engraved in our souls.
The embers of your love,
Burn bright in us all.
Never waning slightly
Or growing small.
The world you filled has lost its luster,
But it never fades away.
Our hearts shall grow stronger
Each and every day.
Loving unconditionally, was one of your greatest virtues.
Making life filled in wondrous hues.
Death, that necessary evil, stole you from our lives.
But granted us a peaceful image,
that will survive.
You have somewhere else to light.
Another place to be.
None will stop loving you,
Especially me.
I know you'll always be watching.
Caring, loving strong.
I'll feel you in my heart.
I'll hear you in every song.
So enjoy where ever you are.
Peaceful and serene.
I'll see you soon again one day.
In a beautiful, bright scene.
As a message to anyone who's lost a loved one or may be losing one...don't feel like you're alone. There is always at least one person who will listen to you. You will feel sad, you will feel angry and frustrated. There is no stopping the things you feel. I dealt with all of this by writing a poem and putting together the poems for the viewing and funeral. The praise is the best motivation to keep staying strong.
Below is my poem in honor of my grandmother (mom-mom):
I'll never forget your love,
That radiant fire glow.
It lives on within our hearts,
Forever engraved in our souls.
The embers of your love,
Burn bright in us all.
Never waning slightly
Or growing small.
The world you filled has lost its luster,
But it never fades away.
Our hearts shall grow stronger
Each and every day.
Loving unconditionally, was one of your greatest virtues.
Making life filled in wondrous hues.
Death, that necessary evil, stole you from our lives.
But granted us a peaceful image,
that will survive.
You have somewhere else to light.
Another place to be.
None will stop loving you,
Especially me.
I know you'll always be watching.
Caring, loving strong.
I'll feel you in my heart.
I'll hear you in every song.
So enjoy where ever you are.
Peaceful and serene.
I'll see you soon again one day.
In a beautiful, bright scene.
Mischief Managed
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thanksgiving 2011/What I'm thankful for
I wanted to write a post about what I'm thankful for. Thanksgiving is my
least favorite holiday because of the memories it brings up. While this
year I'm still dreading it, I also feel very inspired and inclined to
think about who and what I'm thankful.
I'm thankful for my mom, my brothers (and their families), my boyfriend, my closest friends from Rider/Appel Farm/Awebeco Bento, my puppies (even if they drive me insane), my warm bed, and everything I've been granted in my room. I'm glad I live in a country where I can speak my mind and express my thoughts creatively and freely. I'm thankful for my creativity, books, poems, art as a whole I guess. I'm also thankful for the people I've talked to online. I've met the most inspiring, supportive, and talented people online. While I may not be happy where I am now I know that soon I'll be away from here, out living my life. Maybe that's why I had the urge to write all this out. Because I know that this time next year I won't be able to be with my family. And I know that I WILL be in England next year because it's something I want and I'm willing to fight for it. No matter what.
So my parting thought for the time being is this: Think about what you have and what you would feel if you didn't have the things you love. Be thankful for everything you've been given or worked hard for.
Stay beautiful! <3
Mischief Managed
I'm thankful for my mom, my brothers (and their families), my boyfriend, my closest friends from Rider/Appel Farm/Awebeco Bento, my puppies (even if they drive me insane), my warm bed, and everything I've been granted in my room. I'm glad I live in a country where I can speak my mind and express my thoughts creatively and freely. I'm thankful for my creativity, books, poems, art as a whole I guess. I'm also thankful for the people I've talked to online. I've met the most inspiring, supportive, and talented people online. While I may not be happy where I am now I know that soon I'll be away from here, out living my life. Maybe that's why I had the urge to write all this out. Because I know that this time next year I won't be able to be with my family. And I know that I WILL be in England next year because it's something I want and I'm willing to fight for it. No matter what.
So my parting thought for the time being is this: Think about what you have and what you would feel if you didn't have the things you love. Be thankful for everything you've been given or worked hard for.
Stay beautiful! <3
Mischief Managed
Friday, October 21, 2011
What now?
I really need to start writing these posts during the day and when I'm not supposed to be sleeping. Anyway, I'll give you all an update on life so far.
My step-dad hasn't spoken to me in about 3 weeks. Now this isn't the longest we've gone without talking but it is the hardest. In fact, I'm not sure I even want to talk to him again. Want to know the supposed reason that he stopped talking to me? Well....brace yourselves! It's because I went to Delaware to visit a friend. The kicker is this: apparently he told me we would switch cars. Plus he didn't even tell me, my mom did. Did he actually say this? No idea. I highly doubt it. He would never let me use "his" car unless it was absolutely necessary (ex. for work or school). And even then he wouldn't be the one to suggest it. My mom would and then they'd end up in an argument and eventually I'd be granted use. So the fact that I honestly don't remember him ever saying this bothers me. So I've come up with some scenarios that most likely happened.
1. I honestly didn't here him say it and I'm in the wrong. Which I have no problem admitting. Especially over something so mediocre.
2. He didn't say it and he completely made it up and used my mom's lack of memory to make up a reason to be pissed at me.
That's all I could come up with for now. Anyways the day after I got back neither of my parents would talk to me. They wouldn't even tell me exactly why. So in spirit of my new view on life I did the one thing that I feared most: telling my parents everything I felt and why. I've never EVER done this because for obvious reasons, they hurt me and I don't trust them. But I was so hurt by their childish behavior that I couldn't sleep so I stayed up late and wrote a 5 page letter. I know some people think: you should face them and tell them. Well don't worry I planned to. But the one way I can really express myself is through writing.
In the letter I talked about nearly everything in my life that hurt me. Not just what they've done or said but other people as well. At the end I basically gave them an ultimatum: let's talk and try to work things out ~or~ if nothing changes/gets worked out then I'm done. I will walk away because no one deserves to live with people who hurt them. I put the letter into my mom's purse and the next day she told me that weekend we'd talk.
Did we? Of course not. My dad still isn't acknowledging my existence and every time I want to talk my mom always has other things to do. I gave them benefit of the doubt but it's been over a week and a half and nothings changed. I'm still being told to apologize. I'm stuck eating meals in my room alone and I haven't actually spent more than 10 minutes anywhere else in my house but my room. I'm feeling like shit. I've tried not to let it get to me and wait it out, but it's really starting to bother me. I'm barely eating, I'm barely sleeping. I had another nightmare last night which I haven't had in a long time and usually only happens if I'm stressed. I'm feeling super lonely and I refuse to rant to my friends anymore because I know it annoys them. I don't even know what to think anymore. I want to talk to my brothers but I'm too afraid that they'll brush me aside. I honestly am just tired.
So what now? Do I ignore the problem as usual and pretend nothing happened? Or do I finally stand up?
I want my professor to hurry up and fill out a reference so I can apply to University of Birmingham so i can get out and live my life. I feel like I'm losing grip on my emotions and I just want to punch something. I've been more irritable than lately and I really just want to scream at my parents. Maybe then they'll make time for me. Maybe then they'll listen. This weekends going to be tough with my mom away on business so I'll most likely be in my room all weekend.
I've been having trouble being near my best friend's family because lately it's been harder to see how much they care for each other then leave to go back to my house and live in hell.
Well. I'll end my rant here. I just really needed a place to put all these feelings and thoughts. I feel that tomorrow, well technically today, will be better though. I'm putting 1 or 2 purple streaks in my hair. I put in some more blond streaks and they look pretty awesome. Maybe I'll put up a pic when it's done.
As always, to anyone who reads my blog, stay strong and stay beautiful!
Mischief Managed.
My step-dad hasn't spoken to me in about 3 weeks. Now this isn't the longest we've gone without talking but it is the hardest. In fact, I'm not sure I even want to talk to him again. Want to know the supposed reason that he stopped talking to me? Well....brace yourselves! It's because I went to Delaware to visit a friend. The kicker is this: apparently he told me we would switch cars. Plus he didn't even tell me, my mom did. Did he actually say this? No idea. I highly doubt it. He would never let me use "his" car unless it was absolutely necessary (ex. for work or school). And even then he wouldn't be the one to suggest it. My mom would and then they'd end up in an argument and eventually I'd be granted use. So the fact that I honestly don't remember him ever saying this bothers me. So I've come up with some scenarios that most likely happened.
1. I honestly didn't here him say it and I'm in the wrong. Which I have no problem admitting. Especially over something so mediocre.
2. He didn't say it and he completely made it up and used my mom's lack of memory to make up a reason to be pissed at me.
That's all I could come up with for now. Anyways the day after I got back neither of my parents would talk to me. They wouldn't even tell me exactly why. So in spirit of my new view on life I did the one thing that I feared most: telling my parents everything I felt and why. I've never EVER done this because for obvious reasons, they hurt me and I don't trust them. But I was so hurt by their childish behavior that I couldn't sleep so I stayed up late and wrote a 5 page letter. I know some people think: you should face them and tell them. Well don't worry I planned to. But the one way I can really express myself is through writing.
In the letter I talked about nearly everything in my life that hurt me. Not just what they've done or said but other people as well. At the end I basically gave them an ultimatum: let's talk and try to work things out ~or~ if nothing changes/gets worked out then I'm done. I will walk away because no one deserves to live with people who hurt them. I put the letter into my mom's purse and the next day she told me that weekend we'd talk.
Did we? Of course not. My dad still isn't acknowledging my existence and every time I want to talk my mom always has other things to do. I gave them benefit of the doubt but it's been over a week and a half and nothings changed. I'm still being told to apologize. I'm stuck eating meals in my room alone and I haven't actually spent more than 10 minutes anywhere else in my house but my room. I'm feeling like shit. I've tried not to let it get to me and wait it out, but it's really starting to bother me. I'm barely eating, I'm barely sleeping. I had another nightmare last night which I haven't had in a long time and usually only happens if I'm stressed. I'm feeling super lonely and I refuse to rant to my friends anymore because I know it annoys them. I don't even know what to think anymore. I want to talk to my brothers but I'm too afraid that they'll brush me aside. I honestly am just tired.
So what now? Do I ignore the problem as usual and pretend nothing happened? Or do I finally stand up?
I want my professor to hurry up and fill out a reference so I can apply to University of Birmingham so i can get out and live my life. I feel like I'm losing grip on my emotions and I just want to punch something. I've been more irritable than lately and I really just want to scream at my parents. Maybe then they'll make time for me. Maybe then they'll listen. This weekends going to be tough with my mom away on business so I'll most likely be in my room all weekend.
I've been having trouble being near my best friend's family because lately it's been harder to see how much they care for each other then leave to go back to my house and live in hell.
Well. I'll end my rant here. I just really needed a place to put all these feelings and thoughts. I feel that tomorrow, well technically today, will be better though. I'm putting 1 or 2 purple streaks in my hair. I put in some more blond streaks and they look pretty awesome. Maybe I'll put up a pic when it's done.
As always, to anyone who reads my blog, stay strong and stay beautiful!
Mischief Managed.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
The words you may never hear.
This is a bit like a letter to my parents. Everything I've been feeling for the past month is starting to boil over. I don't want this. I honestly am getting really tired of doing things for you. I don't want to be in school. Not that I don't want to learn. I do, but there are more ways to learn important things than through textbooks and lectures. I want to live and then go back to school when I'm ready. I'm terrified that I'm going to be stuck in NJ for the rest of my life. 10 or 20 years from now I don't want to look back and not feel satisfied and accomplished with my life. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything in my life. At this point I'm starting to worry I never will. I can't understand why I can tell people around me to stand up and yet I can't do it for myself. There are times when I really really wish I could just tell you what I'm feeling but I'm too scared you'll hurt me again. I know its inevitable because you won't agree with what I have to say. I know that we'll fight and argue and maybe even stop talking for a few months, because that's how it is. It's how we work. You won't let me have the chance to live. I want to explore and say that I've done something. And not just for you or anyone else. But for me. I always take the time to listen and help others and I love the satisfaction of it but at the end of the day I just wish I could have done something to help myself. I want to enjoy life not feel like I need to conform to satisfy others. Why? What's the point in living if I don't enjoy it? What should it matter if I'm doing what I love and happy? Isn't that satisfying to you enough? Why can't you let me be happy? Why can't you let me live? These questions run through my mind everyday. Maybe one day you'll hear them out loud. Whether it's by me growing the balls to say them, or me being pressured and angry enough to get them out. I want you to hear them. I want you to know how I'm feeling. Otherwise I'll be sitting here wallowing in my thoughts wishing you could hear me.
So these are the words you may never hear.
Mischief Managed.
Monday, September 19, 2011
About the Blogger
I figured that since I've been doing this blog for a while it's time for me to write some info on myself.
I'm currently in college for Creative Writing but I'm not sure what I want to do with it. I love Harry Potter! (in case you didn't notice) I'm also a big Anime/Manga fan. I cosplay and go to conventions (though not as may as I'd like). I have a passion for anything artsy; photography, drawing, painting, music...
Now to the more personal stuff: If you haven't already read any of my posts yet, then I'll warn you, a lot of the times I blog when I'm feeling a surge of emotions. Both happy and sad. I haven't had the easiest life nor do I expect it to get easier anytime soon. I find myself learning about my environment and myself everyday. I try to cherish everyday and while not everyday is happy there's always something to gain.
Anyways! I love learning about new people so feel free to comment! I love hearing opinions whether they're agreements or not. Hope you all enjoy!
Mischief Managed
I'm currently in college for Creative Writing but I'm not sure what I want to do with it. I love Harry Potter! (in case you didn't notice) I'm also a big Anime/Manga fan. I cosplay and go to conventions (though not as may as I'd like). I have a passion for anything artsy; photography, drawing, painting, music...
Now to the more personal stuff: If you haven't already read any of my posts yet, then I'll warn you, a lot of the times I blog when I'm feeling a surge of emotions. Both happy and sad. I haven't had the easiest life nor do I expect it to get easier anytime soon. I find myself learning about my environment and myself everyday. I try to cherish everyday and while not everyday is happy there's always something to gain.
Anyways! I love learning about new people so feel free to comment! I love hearing opinions whether they're agreements or not. Hope you all enjoy!
Mischief Managed
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