It's nearing 4:30am where I live and I have to be at work in about 5 hrs....but I can't sleep.
I was going to try and stop posting about my parents but....this blog is like my diary. I use it as a way to express and release my feelings. And right now I'm feeling extremely emotional.
For those of you who don't know, I found out on Thursday that I was accepted at Birmingham City University. In England. It was THE happiest day of my life. I was so proud of myself. Which says a lot because my self-esteem is below par at times. But I had managed to do it and I wanted to share this happiness with everyone I cared about. All of my friends (some of their parents) and my aunt and brothers were proud of me. Except my parents. I had called my mom to tell her and all she said was "that's nice" and asked me to make dinner. That's nice. Wow. That was the start of the downhill I'm currently in. Letting it go because I didn't want to let it get to me and I was giving her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was taken by surprise and thinking that her baby girl was leaving. So I went on with my day and on Saturday I came home and tried to show them the book on England I had bought. Nothing. Completely ignored me.
I was hurt. This is an amazing achievement and opportunity. Why weren't they proud or at least happy for me? I spent nearly 3.5 hrs crying on and off. I haven't cried so much and so hard in my life. My own parents who were supposed to want the best for me, were rejecting me. Needless to say, I waited it out hoping for something better from them today. I only was shown how misguided they are.
On my way home from the store, my mom and I started talking about financing my trip. As background; I pay for all my schooling through loans. My grandfather had kindly payed for last yr and said I didn't have to pay him back. Which I am eternally thankful and grateful for. My parents have no money invested in my schooling, nor do they offer to help me. I had just been talking about my options and what I was planning on doing.
Which turned into a heated discussion. I told her I was hurt because it didn't seem like they were proud of me. She asked me why I can't go to a school in SC or NJ. I asked her if she really knew how hard it is to get into an international school. Which she didn't respond to. I told her I have never wanted to do anything more in my life, nor have I ever been happier. She told me that it was bad timing and tried to tell me that I shouldn't have tried to talk to them that day about it because they were really busy. SHE was the one that said we should talk when they got home. Not me. And I never approached them that night either. Which I called her out on and she didn't respond again. She said that the financing is stressing her out as well. I'M PAYING FOR IT. They won't even help me. I have no one to co-sign the loan. And no credit. So....how is that stressful for her?
I had a breakdown. I haven't felt this painful and hurt since a previous family member abused me years ago. My own mother wasn't there for me when I needed her. The one time I'm really upset and sad and want my mother to at least comfort me...she is the one causing my pain. The type of pain that I felt years ago in my depression. I don't feel completely numb, just hurting all over. I'm holding in my tears because if I let them go I'll start weezing again and my throat is already super sore.
Despite all this I know in my heart that I'm going to England. I won't let that stop me. But when I do...I never will let them hurt me again. There are so many people that are supporting me and giving me strength to keep fighting. I won't let them down and I won't let myself down. I want to be able to look at my parents 3 years from now, with a degree from an international school, tell them "I told you so." and walk away. I hope I never have to feel this pain again. I just have to come to terms that absolutely nothing I do will ever be good enough for them and that's their problem not mine. By telling me I can't...they've made me fight twice as hard.
Now that I've typed this all out, I'm feeling a little better. I have a long battle ahead of me but I know I can do it. Keep marching on....
No comments:
Post a Comment