So this is what it feels like...

It's nearing 4:30am where I live and I have to be at work in about 5 hrs....but I can't sleep.

I was going to try and stop posting about my parents but....this blog is like my diary. I use it as a way to express and release my feelings. And right now I'm feeling extremely emotional.

For those of you who don't know, I found out on Thursday that I was accepted at Birmingham City University. In England. It was THE happiest day of my life. I was so proud of myself. Which says a lot because my self-esteem is below par at times. But I had managed to do it and I wanted to share this happiness with everyone I cared about. All of my friends (some of their parents) and my aunt and brothers were proud of me. Except my parents. I had called my mom to tell her and all she said was "that's nice" and asked me to make dinner. That's nice. Wow. That was the start of the downhill I'm currently in. Letting it go because I didn't want to let it get to me and I was giving her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was taken by surprise and thinking that her baby girl was leaving. So I went on with my day and on Saturday I came home and tried to show them the book on England I had bought. Nothing. Completely ignored me.

I was hurt. This is an amazing achievement and opportunity. Why weren't they proud or at least happy for me? I spent nearly 3.5 hrs crying on and off. I haven't cried so much and so hard in my life. My own parents who were supposed to want the best for me, were rejecting me. Needless to say, I waited it out hoping for something better from them today. I only was shown how misguided they are.

On my way home from the store, my mom and I started talking about financing my trip. As background; I pay for all my schooling through loans. My grandfather had kindly payed for last yr and said I didn't have to pay him back. Which I am eternally thankful and grateful for. My parents have no money invested in my schooling, nor do they offer to help me. I had just been talking about my options and what I was planning on doing.

Which turned into a heated discussion. I told her I was hurt because it didn't seem like they were proud of me. She asked me why I can't go to a school in SC or NJ. I asked her if she really knew how hard it is to get into an international school. Which she didn't respond to. I told her I have never wanted to do anything more in my life, nor have I ever been happier. She told me that it was bad timing and tried to tell me that I shouldn't have tried to talk to them that day about it because they were really busy. SHE was the one that said we should talk when they got home. Not me. And I never approached them that night either. Which I called her out on and she didn't respond again. She said that the financing is stressing her out as well. I'M PAYING FOR IT. They won't even help me. I have no one to co-sign the loan. And no credit. So....how is that stressful for her?

I had a breakdown. I haven't felt this painful and hurt since a previous family member abused me years ago. My own mother wasn't there for me when I needed her. The one time I'm really upset and sad and want my mother to at least comfort me...she is the one causing my pain. The type of pain that I felt years ago in my depression. I don't feel completely numb, just hurting all over. I'm holding in my tears because if I let them go I'll start weezing again and my throat is already super sore.

Despite all this I know in my heart that I'm going to England. I won't let that stop me. But when I do...I never will let them hurt me again. There are so many people that are supporting me and giving me strength to keep fighting. I won't let them down and I won't let myself down. I want to be able to look at my parents 3 years from now, with a degree from an international school, tell them "I told you so." and walk away. I hope I never have to feel this pain again. I just have to come to terms that absolutely nothing I do will ever be good enough for them and that's their problem not mine. By telling me I can't...they've made me fight twice as hard.

Now that I've typed this all out, I'm feeling a little better. I have a long battle ahead of me but I know I can do it. Keep marching on....

Change for the Better

Earlier this week, I was taking care of the 13 year old boy I nanny. I was driving him home, when he said, "I'm gay-aphobic." It took me a few moments to process what he meant. When I asked why he told me he didn't really know and that he just felt it was weird. He then told me about how there is a homosexual boy in his class who is very mean to other people. I told him that just because someone, who is different than you, is mean; doesn't mean they all are. Everyone is different. Thinking back now, I realized that the way he is raised influences his views. Also because he doesn't understand something he believes it is wrong. I don't know if it's because he goes to a catholic school, or grows up in an upper-class world, but it made me realize that the children growing up now should learn about issues such as this. It's not his fault he doesn't understand, he just hasn't been given the tools to do so. Children can understand things that are going on in the world. It's not always that someone truly doesn't support something, sometimes its because they don't understand. Just felt like I should share this story with everyone. The Fierce Love

-Mischief Managed.

Starting Anew

Well I want to apologize to you all because I've neglected to update as much as I promised. Life's been a crazy ride lately. But I want you all to know that I do really appreciate any feedback and views. Lately I've been kind of down, more than normal, and I've decided to start looking into seeing a therapist. The reason I'm telling you all is because I'm not ashamed of it. I may have depression or something along those lines and that's okay with me. There's nothing wrong with that. As a huge advocate of widening our views and awareness. I want others who suffer from extreme sadness or just going through a tough time to know that they're not alone. Sometimes life throws us off track to help us become stronger.
Anyways I hope that I'll be able to update more now that things have quieted down.
Stay beautiful!

Mischief Managed.

The Fierce Love Movement

Hello all you lovely and beautiful people! This post is about an amazing movement a close friend of mine has started called The Fierce Love. It's an inspiring and easy way to let someone know they are loved. As someone who has suffered from bad days, heartbreaks, and loss; I know what it's like to feel sad and depressed. No one should ever have to feel alone when all that could make them feel better is a little note telling them they are beautiful or smart. 

Here's general information:

"This Cause is in memory of Jeffrey Fehr, and anyone who has ever felt less than loved, and suffered the consequences. It is important that we let those around us know everyday, that we love them. This Cause is also tailored to reaching out to those that we don't know and offering messages of love, hope, compassion, and inspiration. The current movement within this Cause is to send out snail mail letters to random people across the country. The letters address love, hope, compassion, and inspiration. You never know when you will impact someone's life, and it's time we start taking the chance."

All you have to do is send a letter, picture, drawing, mixed CD, card, whatever you want to someone. Preferably someone you don't know. It doesn't have to be long, just something that would make that person(s) day. Get creative! Make sure you mention "The Fierce Love Movement" somewhere. If you would like to remain anonymous then feel free to sign as "The Fierce Love Movement" or even use a code-name! Make sure you keep a log of who and how many letters you send; so we can keep track. 

I hope you all consider taking part in this amazing movement! If you would like me to send something to someone you know let me know! Send me an email at storiofmylife@yahoo.com 

To keep updated with The Fierce Love Movement like them on facebook --> http://www.facebook.com/TheFierceLove

If you have any questions email me or TFLM at thefirevelove@gmail.com

As always stay magical and wonderful! 

Mischief Managed.

Arms of the angel

So if you haven't heard by now...the holiday season was not kind to me. To start off with the less depressing news: I was supposed to go to Japan to see my boyfriend, however, my MRSA relapsed, so I couldn't go. The same night my grandmother was sent back to the ER. Because it still hurts to talk about the short version is she was sent to hospice and died on Friday December 30, 2011. It was hardest goodbye I've ever had to do. She was an amazing woman and the most spirited person I know. I hope to become more like her as time passes.

As a message to anyone who's lost a loved one or may be losing one...don't feel like you're alone. There is always at least one person who will listen to you. You will feel sad, you will feel angry and frustrated. There is no stopping the things you feel. I dealt with all of this by writing a poem and putting together the poems for the viewing and funeral. The praise is the best motivation to keep staying strong.
Below is my poem in honor of my grandmother (mom-mom):

I'll never forget your love,
That radiant fire glow.
It lives on within our hearts,
Forever engraved in our souls.
The embers of your love,
Burn bright in us all.
Never waning slightly
Or growing small.

The world you filled has lost its luster,
But it never fades away.
Our hearts shall grow stronger
Each and every day.
Loving unconditionally, was one of your greatest virtues.
Making life filled in wondrous hues.

Death, that necessary evil, stole you from our lives.
But granted us a peaceful image,
that will survive.
You have somewhere else to light.
Another place to be.
None will stop loving you,
Especially me. 

I know you'll always be watching.
Caring, loving strong.
I'll feel you in my heart.
I'll hear you in every song.

So enjoy where ever you are.
Peaceful and serene.
I'll see you soon again one day.
In a beautiful, bright scene.

Mischief Managed 

Thanksgiving 2011/What I'm thankful for

I wanted to write a post about what I'm thankful for. Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday because of the memories it brings up. While this year I'm still dreading it, I also feel very inspired and inclined to think about who and what I'm thankful.
I'm thankful for my mom, my brothers (and their families), my boyfriend, my closest friends from Rider/Appel Farm/Awebeco Bento, my puppies (even if they drive me insane), my warm bed, and everything I've been granted in my room. I'm glad I live in a country where I can speak my mind and express my thoughts creatively and freely. I'm thankful for my creativity, books, poems, art as a whole I guess. I'm also thankful for the people I've talked to online. I've met the most inspiring, supportive, and talented people online. While I may not be happy where I am now I know that soon I'll be away from here, out living my life. Maybe that's why I had the urge to write all this out. Because I know that this time next year I won't be able to be with my family. And I know that I WILL be in England next year because it's something I want and I'm willing to fight for it. No matter what.
So my parting thought for the time being is this: Think about what you have and what you would feel if you didn't have the things you love. Be thankful for everything you've been given or worked hard for.

Stay beautiful! <3

Mischief Managed

What now?

I really need to start writing these posts during the day and when I'm not supposed to be sleeping. Anyway, I'll give you all an update on life so far.

My step-dad hasn't spoken to me in about 3 weeks. Now this isn't the longest we've gone without talking but it is the hardest. In fact, I'm not sure I even want to talk to him again. Want to know the supposed reason that he stopped talking to me? Well....brace yourselves! It's because I went to Delaware to visit a friend. The kicker is this: apparently he told me we would switch cars. Plus he didn't even tell me, my mom did. Did he actually say this? No idea. I highly doubt it. He would never let me use "his" car unless it was absolutely necessary (ex. for work or school). And even then he wouldn't be the one to suggest it. My mom would and then they'd end up in an argument and eventually I'd be granted use. So the fact that I honestly don't remember him ever saying this bothers me. So I've come up with some scenarios that most likely happened.

1. I honestly didn't here him say it and I'm in the wrong. Which I have no problem admitting. Especially over something so mediocre.

2. He didn't say it and he completely made it up and used my mom's lack of memory to make up a reason to be pissed at me.

That's all I could come up with for now. Anyways the day after I got back neither of my parents would talk to me. They wouldn't even tell me exactly why. So in spirit of my new view on life I did the one thing that I feared most: telling my parents everything I felt and why. I've never EVER done this because for obvious reasons, they hurt me and I don't trust them. But I was so hurt by their childish behavior that I couldn't sleep so I stayed up late and wrote a 5 page letter. I know some people think: you should face them and tell them. Well don't worry I planned to. But the one way I can really express myself is through writing.
In the letter I talked about nearly everything in my life that hurt me. Not just what they've done or said but other people as well. At the end I basically gave them an ultimatum: let's talk and try to work things out ~or~ if nothing changes/gets worked out then I'm done. I will walk away because no one deserves to live with people who hurt them. I put the letter into my mom's purse and the next day she told me that weekend we'd talk.
Did we? Of course not. My dad still isn't acknowledging my existence and every time I want to talk my mom always has other things to do. I gave them benefit of the doubt but it's been over a week and a half and nothings changed. I'm still being told to apologize. I'm stuck eating meals in my room alone and I haven't actually spent more than 10 minutes anywhere else in my house but my room. I'm feeling like shit. I've tried not to let it get to me and wait it out, but it's really starting to bother me. I'm barely eating, I'm barely sleeping. I had another nightmare last night which I haven't had in a long time and usually only happens if I'm stressed. I'm feeling super lonely and I refuse to rant to my friends anymore because I know it annoys them. I don't even know what to think anymore. I want to talk to my brothers but I'm too afraid that they'll brush me aside. I honestly am just tired.
So what now? Do I ignore the problem as usual and pretend nothing happened? Or do I finally stand up?
I want my professor to hurry up and fill out a reference so I can apply to University of Birmingham so i can get out and live my life. I feel like I'm losing grip on my emotions and I just want to punch something. I've been more irritable than lately and I really just want to scream at my parents. Maybe then they'll make time for me. Maybe then they'll listen. This weekends going to be tough with my mom away on business so I'll most likely be in my room all weekend.
I've been having trouble being near my best friend's family because lately it's been harder to see how much they care for each other then leave to go back to my house and live in hell.

Well. I'll end my rant here. I just really needed a place to put all these feelings and thoughts. I feel that tomorrow, well technically today, will be better though. I'm putting 1 or 2 purple streaks in my hair. I put in some more blond streaks and they look pretty awesome. Maybe I'll put up a pic when it's done.

As always, to anyone who reads my blog, stay strong and stay beautiful!

Mischief Managed.

The words you may never hear.

This is a bit like a letter to my parents. Everything I've been feeling for the past month is starting to boil over. I don't want this. I honestly am getting really tired of doing things for you. I don't want to be in school. Not that I don't want to learn. I do, but there are more ways to learn important things than through textbooks and lectures. I want to live and then go back to school when I'm ready. I'm terrified that I'm going to be stuck in NJ for the rest of my life. 10 or 20 years from now I don't want to look back and not feel satisfied and accomplished with my life. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything in my life. At this point I'm starting to worry I never will. I can't understand why I can tell people around me to stand up and yet I can't do it for myself. There are times when I really really wish I could just tell you what I'm feeling but I'm too scared you'll hurt me again. I know its inevitable because you won't agree with what I have to say. I know that we'll fight and argue and maybe even stop talking for a few months, because that's how it is. It's how we work. You won't let me have the chance to live. I want to explore and say that I've done something. And not just for you or anyone else. But for me. I always take the time to listen and help others and I love the satisfaction of it but at the end of the day I just wish I could have done something to help myself. I want to enjoy life not feel like I need to conform to satisfy others. Why? What's the point in living if I don't enjoy it? What should it matter if I'm doing what I love and happy? Isn't that satisfying to you enough? Why can't you let me be happy? Why can't you let me live? These questions run through my mind everyday. Maybe one day you'll hear them out loud. Whether it's by me growing the balls to say them, or me being pressured and angry enough to get them out. I want you to hear them. I want you to know how I'm feeling. Otherwise I'll be sitting here wallowing in my thoughts wishing you could hear me.
So these are the words you may never hear.

Mischief Managed.

About the Blogger

I figured that since I've been doing this blog for a while it's time for me to write some info on myself.

I'm currently in college for Creative Writing but I'm not sure what I want to do with it. I love Harry Potter! (in case you didn't notice) I'm also a big Anime/Manga fan. I cosplay and go to conventions (though not as may as I'd like). I have a passion for anything artsy; photography, drawing, painting, music...

Now to the more personal stuff: If you haven't already read any of my posts yet, then I'll warn you, a lot of the times I blog when I'm feeling a surge of emotions. Both happy and sad. I haven't had the easiest life nor do I expect it to get easier anytime soon. I find myself learning about my environment and myself everyday. I try to cherish everyday and while not everyday is happy there's always something to gain.

Anyways! I love learning about new people so feel free to comment! I love hearing opinions whether they're agreements or not. Hope you all enjoy!

Mischief Managed

Archaic ideals or realistic thinking?

This is just a response paper I wrote for my world civ class. I really felt like I had things to say about the topic and so I decided to post it! Let me know what you all think! 

 

Arranged Marriages: Archaic ideals or realistic thinking?

    The articles “India: The Family” and “No More MoonJune: Love’s Out” in Reading in Global History both explore the disadvantages as well as the advantages of arranged marriages. “India: the Family” explains the specific society and customs of India. It demonstrated the reasoning behind why India’s people prefer arranged marriages than the Western way of matrimony. The article “No More MoonJune: Love’s Out” discusses how love may not be the best choice for decided to marry someone. These articles started to make me think about what really makes a successful marriage and ask myself: Is love really enough?
    As a writer and self-proclaimed romantic I seriously thought going in I would disagree with arranged marriages. I didn’t think that there was anything good about them. Before reading the articles I had no real basis of understanding about why certain societies had arranged marriages. When I read the article about India and its customs I started to open my mind to the realization that they truly believe what they’re doing is right for the family as a whole. I think that one thing the United States seems to lack compared to the traditional societies is the importance of a whole group. Supporting the arguments of the article, “No More MoonJune: Love’s Out,” I believe that Americans are more selfish and only think of personal gain. As I was reading this article I could tell how cynic the writer was about love, but I couldn’t help but agree that there are some benefits of living in a society with arranged marriages. While I don’t agree completely that arranged marriages should be enforced nor do I think a marriage completely based on profit is good; I do think that people need to remember that just because you are in love with someone doesn’t mean that they are a beneficial thing for you. At least once in a person’s life they have to decide if they should choose what is good for them or what they want based on a mere feeling. If I were to look at a twenty year old women in an arranged marriage and compare her personality and way of thinking to a married women the same age in America; I would see how dependent the American women would be on their partner. As a twenty year old American girl I know just how much pressure there is on finding a mate and love as well. An arranged marriage is based on a specific belief, not on the satisfaction of the participating people. When I looked back at the factors that a family looks at when finding a mate for their family member I realized how similar the conditions were to a modern day search for a partner in life. Location, family environment, and place in society all are factors a person now would think about if they were interested in a long-term relationship with someone. Another thing American marriages have in common with arranged marriages is that it all boils down to a primitive want: to continue a blood line. In less archaic terms; create a family. One sentence that really hit me was, “everyone can find something to love, honor, and cherish in anyone else” (RGH 55). While arranged marriages don’t seem fair for at least one of the people involved, I can’t deny that an arranged marriage does force a person to actually find something positive in another. This is something I feel today’s American society has forgotten.
    All in all, I can’t say I completely agree with arranged marriages. However, I do think that people need to think realize that they need to look at how things affect others and not just themselves. Also I believe that people need to understand that is more to life than just self-satisfaction.

Mischief Managed

IWILL.

 Well I'm back home. I''m in an inspired mood today. This past summer has taught me so many things about life and myself. I went into camp thinking it was going to be just a job and came out with more things learned than the campers did. It has become another home to me. I've learned throughout my life that there are so many different places that I call home. It's no one solitary place; it's where you're loved and treated as an equal and pushed through your limits to expand your thinking and experiences. There is no one word I could use to describe my summer because it was that crazy. I've been shown that my dream is achievable and if I really want something I can just go for it. It may be completely crazy and unconventional but hell! if it's what I want, then that's all that matters. The friends I made at camp (as tacky as it sounds) are going to be my friends for life. So by this time next year I'm going to have gone to England. I'm going to travel and spend my time abroad and see where life takes me. I want to see the world...so I'm going to.

I guess you could also say that getting into a relationship with a guy that actually treats me well and cares for me has also added "fuel to the fire". I'm not sure where thing's will go but they're progressing and that's all that matters. I've been hurt too many times and I refuse to lose faith in love. Right when I was about to let go and give up; something surprising and exciting occurred. I put myself out there expecting rejection but was enlightened to hope once again.

I learned this summer not to take life for granted. I had the unfortunate experience of a death of a former teacher as well as a mother of a close friend. My friend's loss inspired him to do things he didn't think he'd ever do, which in turn, got me thinking. Why wait? 5 years from now I don't want to be stuck in the same old small town thinking about what I wish I could have done. The only thing stopping me was myself. I was letting my parents' excuses become my own and I was taught to keep asking "why not".

I made a collage in the beginning of camp that expresses my will to travel. Which is pictured above.

So I hope that anyone who reads this will learn at least a little bit of my message. Life is way too short to let it fly by. I want to start a campaign called IWILL. Maybe it'll catch on? Where anyone can do what they want so long as they have the passion and courage to fight for it.
Anyways! Tah-tah for now! I'm off to catch some zzz's! Hope you all have enjoyed your summers and good luck with school starting!

Mischief Managed.

7-25-11 Day ???

Too many things have happened since the last time I've updated and because I'm am too tired to type them all out now I won't. All you need to know is that I've been very busy, hence why I haven't updated as much. The kids here are great. I've been switched over to Relief staff which is a lot more relaxing and now I don't have to worry about missing out on laundry stuff. Anyways, I've got to go! Love you all!!


Mischief Managed

Camp--Day 21

Well there has been so much going on in my life. I've been at camp for 3 weeks now and I'm not sure how I feel. I'm 1/2 of the laundry staff and a bunk counselor for 7 girls. It's been really crazy and busy and frustrating and a million other feelings as well. My first full day here (during staff week) I wanted to go home. I had a breakdown filled with crying and called my parents saying I wanted to go home and that they should come get me. The head of my bunk suggested that I help out with the Creative Writing department which did help me not think about home. I haven't been able to help out since the first week though which isn't too bad. I've just been overwhelmed by stinky socks and gross underwear. Not to mention the "lovely" surprises in the pockets of the campers. o.O  The girls in my bunk are awesome. They drive me crazy and can be frustrating at times but at the end of the day we can all get together and act like a family once again. Two of the girls are leaving tomorrow night so tonight's bunk wind-down is going to be emotional (mostly for me). I've gotten to know these girls and they are such wonderful people. They are talented and each is unique.

One of the nicer things about being part of the laundry staff is I get a break from the campers. It's nice to be able to not have to watch what I say or pretend I'm super excited about the most mundane things. The area around the camp is quite beautiful. The farms and fields are something out of a movie and I find myself becoming calm whenever I go by. One of my least favorite things about the area are 1.) the bugs, and 2.) we're in the middle of nowhere! The most frequented stores are Wawa and Walmart. I'm really wishing I had my car so I could go home on my days off.

Another thing plaguing my mind recently is my love life...or lack of. I do have an interest however due to being in completely different countries, things aren't going as well as I'd like. I'm still really confused on how I feel, however, I'm learning to let myself be out there and see where things go. I have no idea if he even wants to give us another shot but I'm really hoping. Last time I was scared and didn't give myself the chance to see if it could turn into something great.

Well that's all for now, I need to head back to laundry! Hope everyone's days are better than mine and filled with unicorns and rainbows!!

Mischief Managed

Update: 6-24-11

SO I thought an update was needed since I haven't posted in quite a long time. I've been a camp for the past week...it's interesting to say the least. A new experience. I'm feeling a bit home sick today because I didn't have much to do. (also if there are any spelling mistakes sorry, I'm using a mac and it's way different than my HP) I quit my job at Kohls (yay!) and as stated earlier I'm working at a summer arts camp in southern NJ. I'm a bunk counsiler, laundry staff, and I'm also helping out the Creative Writing department. Anyways! I'll probs post up later today or tomorrow.

Misheif Managed.

Today was a fairytale!

Today was a fantabulous day!!!!! *sing-sing voice* I went to see PofTC4 which was great, took my friend to get her first tattoo, ate Olive Garden, visited the beach....oh and got my second commission. If you check out my DeviantArt: http://storiofmylife.deviantart.com  I made a new necklace last night, that I must say is one of my favorites. A girl from work asked me to make it and I'm selling it for $25!! Going towards my con-fund....I now have...$25! haha Anyways It's been a great week. Finished the 4th HP book onto the 5th. My friend and I also plan to dress up as pirates at AnimeNext. Which I'm excited for. I just ordered a skirt and midriff corset...Next is to make some jewelry. Anyways I'm excited for Demyx Time 15 and the next Marauders video. If you don't know what I'm talking about go to this link---->http://www.youtube.com/user/JenxtheJinx
They are amazing people and I wish my life could be as magical as theirs. They are people I watch on YouTube that always make me feel better.
Well hope everyone is enjoying their summer/spring (for those in school still)!

Mischief Managed.

I know!

Just finished watching a new episode of In Plain Sight. One of my top shows because I love the main female character's blunt and sarcastic attitude. Very similar to mine! But this week's progress on changing my attitude has progressed fairly well. My birthday was this week and it was by far the best I've ever had. I spent it with great friends and it was nice to get out and do something exciting. My step-dad and I still aren't talking...not sure how I feel about it. My mom and I talked about it and she defended him as per usual. But the one thing that always bothers me is when I'm told what I am. Just stop! One of my rants to my mom was when she explained that I don't think about others. Which really hits me deep. Do my parents not know me at all? do they not notice all the pain and silence I went through for them and others? According to my parents and other people in my life I am: selfish, negative and a horrible person. So if anyone wants to add onto that feel free! I'm not listening. Do they need to point out my flaws? Obviously I already know what they are. I'm not stupid or oblivious. I'm not perfect and no one is!

Moving on....hmm....what else happened this week? Not really much. I've been relaxing and enjoying my time off. I dyed my hair so it has a bit of a reddish tint and I put blue and red/pink(supposed to be purple) streaks in my hair. I like change of scenery so since I can't change my furniture around I tend to change my hair.

Hope everyone enjoys their summer and good luck to everyone and their endeavors!

Mischief Managed

It's time

I haven't updated the blog in a while, which I do apologize for! Thing's have been a bit hectic with me moving back home, finals, and getting back to working. I just finished watching the movie Beauty and the Briefcase. Now it's not a spectacular movie but the message it sends kind of hits home for me. I have declared that it's time for a change. With a new school next year and working a new job this summer I'll be meeting new people. I plan to turn my attitude and life around. It's almost the summer and I plan to take advantage of the changes in scenery. So I've decided that at least twice a week I'm going to update this blog. I want to turn my life around. While I don't enjoy everything in my life I need to deal with them and find ways to cope. I have an amazing group of friends who are there for me and support me in what ever I go for (even if I don't know what I want). I want to do random things and go on road trips with no destinations. I want to date and maybe even fall in love! I miss the days when I had no care in the world. I want to get together with friends and do whatever comes to mind. I want to live life! In order for me to write I need inspiration and where else can I get it but from life itself? So join me if you want. I'm going to count the days! Let this be the beginning of something. Wish me luck!

Mischief Managed

you.

So you want to take credit for MY work. I guess all the things I've worked on by myself for it means nothing. Well go ahead it's not like you have the guts to say anything to my face. Besides the people who you think are your friends know the truth and know all the work I've put into it. They know the hours the I've spent planning and organizing and researching. They know that I'M the one who created something that people will one day take advantage of. So you want to sit there and take credit for that? Okay. Because I promise one day it all will come crashing down on you. It may seem like things are perfect however when you least want and expect it....you'll fall. So go ahead and lie to my face and pretend that you care.
I know the real you. And you've pushed me far enough so I'm going to reveal all of how I feel. You are one fucked up person. You try and pretend to be happy but you turn to all the wrong maneuvers, things that hurt you more. So here's a wake up call: It only makes things worse. You think that everyone believes you...guess what...we know. We're aren't stupid. Things won't get better unless you let them. So grow up and learn to deal with things the healthy way.
I'm not perfect (gosh I am far from it) however I have a great support system that isn't as messed up as I am. They hold me up and know what makes me feel better. They can say nothing and still make me feel better. Because I know that they truly care and want the best for me.
So yes, I'm calling you out. Yes, you are very smart and pretty. But at the end of the day can you honestly sit there and say that you are PROUD of what you've done. Of who you are. Can you look in the mirror and believe that you've never done something you don't regret? Yes...I was angry. But now that I've got this out I'm happier. You know why? Because I have a healthy way of releasing my pain. I don't let it build up inside of me and take over my life. I write. It's what I'm good at and what I love so when I write you know it's the truth and from inside me.
In the end, at least I can say that I learn from my mistakes and am honest. I'm not afraid to let people know how I feel. I have the courage. So feel free to reply. Feel free to come forward. Although I don't think you will. But good luck in life.

Mischief Managed.

Avada Bitch!

So....I have this ex of a little over 2 years and he just doesn't get that I want absolutely nothing to do with him. I don't ever wish harm on anyone, however, I hate to say this. (And it does somewhat disgust me that I feel this way) I just wish he would disappear. If I ever see him all I wish I could do is crucio him so he could feel at least a sliver of the pain he caused me. I regret the whole relationship and the time I wasted on him. It takes a lot for me to truly hate someone and he is one of those people that I really hate. I just want him to stop bothering me and let me live my life. I just get so angry and frustrated because he won't STOP. Really? If you've apologized to (through a text message) and I still haven't responded back. hmmmmm....OBVIOUSLY I want nothing to do with you. Do you not get it? I think any normal minded person would get the hint after 2 YEARS!!

Anyways...if anyone has any advice on how to deal with this psychotic ex-boyfriend feel free to leave me a comment!

On happier news! I only have 18 days left at this hell I call school! YAYYYY

Also! For my birthday this year, my friends and I are going to the Harry Potter Exhibit in NYC! I'm really excited!! This summer has lots of fun things packed! Hope everyone's end of the semester/school year goes smoothly and well.

Mischief Managed.

Once you realize...

...that the past is just a story, it has no power over you.

I read this quote online at a site I like to browse: Wittyprofiles.com

Anyways, it really just hit me. This quote is true. Maybe not for you, but for me, it does. I was sitting here being a bit sad about life. I'm not really sure why but it made me think. I'm a writer. And how to I deal with my emotions? I write about them. So, why not write about the things/people that really hurt me? Why not let it all out there and let the pieces fall where they may? It may be hard and excruciatingly painful for me...but that's what I'm going to do! I'm going to just write and not stop until I'm finished. It's most likely going to be a disorganized mess, but hey! maybe it'll work out! So wish me luck I have a lot of typing to do.

Mischief Managed