So this is what it feels like...

It's nearing 4:30am where I live and I have to be at work in about 5 hrs....but I can't sleep.

I was going to try and stop posting about my parents but....this blog is like my diary. I use it as a way to express and release my feelings. And right now I'm feeling extremely emotional.

For those of you who don't know, I found out on Thursday that I was accepted at Birmingham City University. In England. It was THE happiest day of my life. I was so proud of myself. Which says a lot because my self-esteem is below par at times. But I had managed to do it and I wanted to share this happiness with everyone I cared about. All of my friends (some of their parents) and my aunt and brothers were proud of me. Except my parents. I had called my mom to tell her and all she said was "that's nice" and asked me to make dinner. That's nice. Wow. That was the start of the downhill I'm currently in. Letting it go because I didn't want to let it get to me and I was giving her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was taken by surprise and thinking that her baby girl was leaving. So I went on with my day and on Saturday I came home and tried to show them the book on England I had bought. Nothing. Completely ignored me.

I was hurt. This is an amazing achievement and opportunity. Why weren't they proud or at least happy for me? I spent nearly 3.5 hrs crying on and off. I haven't cried so much and so hard in my life. My own parents who were supposed to want the best for me, were rejecting me. Needless to say, I waited it out hoping for something better from them today. I only was shown how misguided they are.

On my way home from the store, my mom and I started talking about financing my trip. As background; I pay for all my schooling through loans. My grandfather had kindly payed for last yr and said I didn't have to pay him back. Which I am eternally thankful and grateful for. My parents have no money invested in my schooling, nor do they offer to help me. I had just been talking about my options and what I was planning on doing.

Which turned into a heated discussion. I told her I was hurt because it didn't seem like they were proud of me. She asked me why I can't go to a school in SC or NJ. I asked her if she really knew how hard it is to get into an international school. Which she didn't respond to. I told her I have never wanted to do anything more in my life, nor have I ever been happier. She told me that it was bad timing and tried to tell me that I shouldn't have tried to talk to them that day about it because they were really busy. SHE was the one that said we should talk when they got home. Not me. And I never approached them that night either. Which I called her out on and she didn't respond again. She said that the financing is stressing her out as well. I'M PAYING FOR IT. They won't even help me. I have no one to co-sign the loan. And no credit. So....how is that stressful for her?

I had a breakdown. I haven't felt this painful and hurt since a previous family member abused me years ago. My own mother wasn't there for me when I needed her. The one time I'm really upset and sad and want my mother to at least comfort me...she is the one causing my pain. The type of pain that I felt years ago in my depression. I don't feel completely numb, just hurting all over. I'm holding in my tears because if I let them go I'll start weezing again and my throat is already super sore.

Despite all this I know in my heart that I'm going to England. I won't let that stop me. But when I do...I never will let them hurt me again. There are so many people that are supporting me and giving me strength to keep fighting. I won't let them down and I won't let myself down. I want to be able to look at my parents 3 years from now, with a degree from an international school, tell them "I told you so." and walk away. I hope I never have to feel this pain again. I just have to come to terms that absolutely nothing I do will ever be good enough for them and that's their problem not mine. By telling me I can't...they've made me fight twice as hard.

Now that I've typed this all out, I'm feeling a little better. I have a long battle ahead of me but I know I can do it. Keep marching on....

Change for the Better

Earlier this week, I was taking care of the 13 year old boy I nanny. I was driving him home, when he said, "I'm gay-aphobic." It took me a few moments to process what he meant. When I asked why he told me he didn't really know and that he just felt it was weird. He then told me about how there is a homosexual boy in his class who is very mean to other people. I told him that just because someone, who is different than you, is mean; doesn't mean they all are. Everyone is different. Thinking back now, I realized that the way he is raised influences his views. Also because he doesn't understand something he believes it is wrong. I don't know if it's because he goes to a catholic school, or grows up in an upper-class world, but it made me realize that the children growing up now should learn about issues such as this. It's not his fault he doesn't understand, he just hasn't been given the tools to do so. Children can understand things that are going on in the world. It's not always that someone truly doesn't support something, sometimes its because they don't understand. Just felt like I should share this story with everyone. The Fierce Love

-Mischief Managed.

Starting Anew

Well I want to apologize to you all because I've neglected to update as much as I promised. Life's been a crazy ride lately. But I want you all to know that I do really appreciate any feedback and views. Lately I've been kind of down, more than normal, and I've decided to start looking into seeing a therapist. The reason I'm telling you all is because I'm not ashamed of it. I may have depression or something along those lines and that's okay with me. There's nothing wrong with that. As a huge advocate of widening our views and awareness. I want others who suffer from extreme sadness or just going through a tough time to know that they're not alone. Sometimes life throws us off track to help us become stronger.
Anyways I hope that I'll be able to update more now that things have quieted down.
Stay beautiful!

Mischief Managed.

The Fierce Love Movement

Hello all you lovely and beautiful people! This post is about an amazing movement a close friend of mine has started called The Fierce Love. It's an inspiring and easy way to let someone know they are loved. As someone who has suffered from bad days, heartbreaks, and loss; I know what it's like to feel sad and depressed. No one should ever have to feel alone when all that could make them feel better is a little note telling them they are beautiful or smart. 

Here's general information:

"This Cause is in memory of Jeffrey Fehr, and anyone who has ever felt less than loved, and suffered the consequences. It is important that we let those around us know everyday, that we love them. This Cause is also tailored to reaching out to those that we don't know and offering messages of love, hope, compassion, and inspiration. The current movement within this Cause is to send out snail mail letters to random people across the country. The letters address love, hope, compassion, and inspiration. You never know when you will impact someone's life, and it's time we start taking the chance."

All you have to do is send a letter, picture, drawing, mixed CD, card, whatever you want to someone. Preferably someone you don't know. It doesn't have to be long, just something that would make that person(s) day. Get creative! Make sure you mention "The Fierce Love Movement" somewhere. If you would like to remain anonymous then feel free to sign as "The Fierce Love Movement" or even use a code-name! Make sure you keep a log of who and how many letters you send; so we can keep track. 

I hope you all consider taking part in this amazing movement! If you would like me to send something to someone you know let me know! Send me an email at storiofmylife@yahoo.com 

To keep updated with The Fierce Love Movement like them on facebook --> http://www.facebook.com/TheFierceLove

If you have any questions email me or TFLM at thefirevelove@gmail.com

As always stay magical and wonderful! 

Mischief Managed.

Arms of the angel

So if you haven't heard by now...the holiday season was not kind to me. To start off with the less depressing news: I was supposed to go to Japan to see my boyfriend, however, my MRSA relapsed, so I couldn't go. The same night my grandmother was sent back to the ER. Because it still hurts to talk about the short version is she was sent to hospice and died on Friday December 30, 2011. It was hardest goodbye I've ever had to do. She was an amazing woman and the most spirited person I know. I hope to become more like her as time passes.

As a message to anyone who's lost a loved one or may be losing one...don't feel like you're alone. There is always at least one person who will listen to you. You will feel sad, you will feel angry and frustrated. There is no stopping the things you feel. I dealt with all of this by writing a poem and putting together the poems for the viewing and funeral. The praise is the best motivation to keep staying strong.
Below is my poem in honor of my grandmother (mom-mom):

I'll never forget your love,
That radiant fire glow.
It lives on within our hearts,
Forever engraved in our souls.
The embers of your love,
Burn bright in us all.
Never waning slightly
Or growing small.

The world you filled has lost its luster,
But it never fades away.
Our hearts shall grow stronger
Each and every day.
Loving unconditionally, was one of your greatest virtues.
Making life filled in wondrous hues.

Death, that necessary evil, stole you from our lives.
But granted us a peaceful image,
that will survive.
You have somewhere else to light.
Another place to be.
None will stop loving you,
Especially me. 

I know you'll always be watching.
Caring, loving strong.
I'll feel you in my heart.
I'll hear you in every song.

So enjoy where ever you are.
Peaceful and serene.
I'll see you soon again one day.
In a beautiful, bright scene.

Mischief Managed 

Thanksgiving 2011/What I'm thankful for

I wanted to write a post about what I'm thankful for. Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday because of the memories it brings up. While this year I'm still dreading it, I also feel very inspired and inclined to think about who and what I'm thankful.
I'm thankful for my mom, my brothers (and their families), my boyfriend, my closest friends from Rider/Appel Farm/Awebeco Bento, my puppies (even if they drive me insane), my warm bed, and everything I've been granted in my room. I'm glad I live in a country where I can speak my mind and express my thoughts creatively and freely. I'm thankful for my creativity, books, poems, art as a whole I guess. I'm also thankful for the people I've talked to online. I've met the most inspiring, supportive, and talented people online. While I may not be happy where I am now I know that soon I'll be away from here, out living my life. Maybe that's why I had the urge to write all this out. Because I know that this time next year I won't be able to be with my family. And I know that I WILL be in England next year because it's something I want and I'm willing to fight for it. No matter what.
So my parting thought for the time being is this: Think about what you have and what you would feel if you didn't have the things you love. Be thankful for everything you've been given or worked hard for.

Stay beautiful! <3

Mischief Managed

What now?

I really need to start writing these posts during the day and when I'm not supposed to be sleeping. Anyway, I'll give you all an update on life so far.

My step-dad hasn't spoken to me in about 3 weeks. Now this isn't the longest we've gone without talking but it is the hardest. In fact, I'm not sure I even want to talk to him again. Want to know the supposed reason that he stopped talking to me? Well....brace yourselves! It's because I went to Delaware to visit a friend. The kicker is this: apparently he told me we would switch cars. Plus he didn't even tell me, my mom did. Did he actually say this? No idea. I highly doubt it. He would never let me use "his" car unless it was absolutely necessary (ex. for work or school). And even then he wouldn't be the one to suggest it. My mom would and then they'd end up in an argument and eventually I'd be granted use. So the fact that I honestly don't remember him ever saying this bothers me. So I've come up with some scenarios that most likely happened.

1. I honestly didn't here him say it and I'm in the wrong. Which I have no problem admitting. Especially over something so mediocre.

2. He didn't say it and he completely made it up and used my mom's lack of memory to make up a reason to be pissed at me.

That's all I could come up with for now. Anyways the day after I got back neither of my parents would talk to me. They wouldn't even tell me exactly why. So in spirit of my new view on life I did the one thing that I feared most: telling my parents everything I felt and why. I've never EVER done this because for obvious reasons, they hurt me and I don't trust them. But I was so hurt by their childish behavior that I couldn't sleep so I stayed up late and wrote a 5 page letter. I know some people think: you should face them and tell them. Well don't worry I planned to. But the one way I can really express myself is through writing.
In the letter I talked about nearly everything in my life that hurt me. Not just what they've done or said but other people as well. At the end I basically gave them an ultimatum: let's talk and try to work things out ~or~ if nothing changes/gets worked out then I'm done. I will walk away because no one deserves to live with people who hurt them. I put the letter into my mom's purse and the next day she told me that weekend we'd talk.
Did we? Of course not. My dad still isn't acknowledging my existence and every time I want to talk my mom always has other things to do. I gave them benefit of the doubt but it's been over a week and a half and nothings changed. I'm still being told to apologize. I'm stuck eating meals in my room alone and I haven't actually spent more than 10 minutes anywhere else in my house but my room. I'm feeling like shit. I've tried not to let it get to me and wait it out, but it's really starting to bother me. I'm barely eating, I'm barely sleeping. I had another nightmare last night which I haven't had in a long time and usually only happens if I'm stressed. I'm feeling super lonely and I refuse to rant to my friends anymore because I know it annoys them. I don't even know what to think anymore. I want to talk to my brothers but I'm too afraid that they'll brush me aside. I honestly am just tired.
So what now? Do I ignore the problem as usual and pretend nothing happened? Or do I finally stand up?
I want my professor to hurry up and fill out a reference so I can apply to University of Birmingham so i can get out and live my life. I feel like I'm losing grip on my emotions and I just want to punch something. I've been more irritable than lately and I really just want to scream at my parents. Maybe then they'll make time for me. Maybe then they'll listen. This weekends going to be tough with my mom away on business so I'll most likely be in my room all weekend.
I've been having trouble being near my best friend's family because lately it's been harder to see how much they care for each other then leave to go back to my house and live in hell.

Well. I'll end my rant here. I just really needed a place to put all these feelings and thoughts. I feel that tomorrow, well technically today, will be better though. I'm putting 1 or 2 purple streaks in my hair. I put in some more blond streaks and they look pretty awesome. Maybe I'll put up a pic when it's done.

As always, to anyone who reads my blog, stay strong and stay beautiful!

Mischief Managed.