Thanksgiving 2011/What I'm thankful for

I wanted to write a post about what I'm thankful for. Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday because of the memories it brings up. While this year I'm still dreading it, I also feel very inspired and inclined to think about who and what I'm thankful.
I'm thankful for my mom, my brothers (and their families), my boyfriend, my closest friends from Rider/Appel Farm/Awebeco Bento, my puppies (even if they drive me insane), my warm bed, and everything I've been granted in my room. I'm glad I live in a country where I can speak my mind and express my thoughts creatively and freely. I'm thankful for my creativity, books, poems, art as a whole I guess. I'm also thankful for the people I've talked to online. I've met the most inspiring, supportive, and talented people online. While I may not be happy where I am now I know that soon I'll be away from here, out living my life. Maybe that's why I had the urge to write all this out. Because I know that this time next year I won't be able to be with my family. And I know that I WILL be in England next year because it's something I want and I'm willing to fight for it. No matter what.
So my parting thought for the time being is this: Think about what you have and what you would feel if you didn't have the things you love. Be thankful for everything you've been given or worked hard for.

Stay beautiful! <3

Mischief Managed

What now?

I really need to start writing these posts during the day and when I'm not supposed to be sleeping. Anyway, I'll give you all an update on life so far.

My step-dad hasn't spoken to me in about 3 weeks. Now this isn't the longest we've gone without talking but it is the hardest. In fact, I'm not sure I even want to talk to him again. Want to know the supposed reason that he stopped talking to me? Well....brace yourselves! It's because I went to Delaware to visit a friend. The kicker is this: apparently he told me we would switch cars. Plus he didn't even tell me, my mom did. Did he actually say this? No idea. I highly doubt it. He would never let me use "his" car unless it was absolutely necessary (ex. for work or school). And even then he wouldn't be the one to suggest it. My mom would and then they'd end up in an argument and eventually I'd be granted use. So the fact that I honestly don't remember him ever saying this bothers me. So I've come up with some scenarios that most likely happened.

1. I honestly didn't here him say it and I'm in the wrong. Which I have no problem admitting. Especially over something so mediocre.

2. He didn't say it and he completely made it up and used my mom's lack of memory to make up a reason to be pissed at me.

That's all I could come up with for now. Anyways the day after I got back neither of my parents would talk to me. They wouldn't even tell me exactly why. So in spirit of my new view on life I did the one thing that I feared most: telling my parents everything I felt and why. I've never EVER done this because for obvious reasons, they hurt me and I don't trust them. But I was so hurt by their childish behavior that I couldn't sleep so I stayed up late and wrote a 5 page letter. I know some people think: you should face them and tell them. Well don't worry I planned to. But the one way I can really express myself is through writing.
In the letter I talked about nearly everything in my life that hurt me. Not just what they've done or said but other people as well. At the end I basically gave them an ultimatum: let's talk and try to work things out ~or~ if nothing changes/gets worked out then I'm done. I will walk away because no one deserves to live with people who hurt them. I put the letter into my mom's purse and the next day she told me that weekend we'd talk.
Did we? Of course not. My dad still isn't acknowledging my existence and every time I want to talk my mom always has other things to do. I gave them benefit of the doubt but it's been over a week and a half and nothings changed. I'm still being told to apologize. I'm stuck eating meals in my room alone and I haven't actually spent more than 10 minutes anywhere else in my house but my room. I'm feeling like shit. I've tried not to let it get to me and wait it out, but it's really starting to bother me. I'm barely eating, I'm barely sleeping. I had another nightmare last night which I haven't had in a long time and usually only happens if I'm stressed. I'm feeling super lonely and I refuse to rant to my friends anymore because I know it annoys them. I don't even know what to think anymore. I want to talk to my brothers but I'm too afraid that they'll brush me aside. I honestly am just tired.
So what now? Do I ignore the problem as usual and pretend nothing happened? Or do I finally stand up?
I want my professor to hurry up and fill out a reference so I can apply to University of Birmingham so i can get out and live my life. I feel like I'm losing grip on my emotions and I just want to punch something. I've been more irritable than lately and I really just want to scream at my parents. Maybe then they'll make time for me. Maybe then they'll listen. This weekends going to be tough with my mom away on business so I'll most likely be in my room all weekend.
I've been having trouble being near my best friend's family because lately it's been harder to see how much they care for each other then leave to go back to my house and live in hell.

Well. I'll end my rant here. I just really needed a place to put all these feelings and thoughts. I feel that tomorrow, well technically today, will be better though. I'm putting 1 or 2 purple streaks in my hair. I put in some more blond streaks and they look pretty awesome. Maybe I'll put up a pic when it's done.

As always, to anyone who reads my blog, stay strong and stay beautiful!

Mischief Managed.

The words you may never hear.

This is a bit like a letter to my parents. Everything I've been feeling for the past month is starting to boil over. I don't want this. I honestly am getting really tired of doing things for you. I don't want to be in school. Not that I don't want to learn. I do, but there are more ways to learn important things than through textbooks and lectures. I want to live and then go back to school when I'm ready. I'm terrified that I'm going to be stuck in NJ for the rest of my life. 10 or 20 years from now I don't want to look back and not feel satisfied and accomplished with my life. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything in my life. At this point I'm starting to worry I never will. I can't understand why I can tell people around me to stand up and yet I can't do it for myself. There are times when I really really wish I could just tell you what I'm feeling but I'm too scared you'll hurt me again. I know its inevitable because you won't agree with what I have to say. I know that we'll fight and argue and maybe even stop talking for a few months, because that's how it is. It's how we work. You won't let me have the chance to live. I want to explore and say that I've done something. And not just for you or anyone else. But for me. I always take the time to listen and help others and I love the satisfaction of it but at the end of the day I just wish I could have done something to help myself. I want to enjoy life not feel like I need to conform to satisfy others. Why? What's the point in living if I don't enjoy it? What should it matter if I'm doing what I love and happy? Isn't that satisfying to you enough? Why can't you let me be happy? Why can't you let me live? These questions run through my mind everyday. Maybe one day you'll hear them out loud. Whether it's by me growing the balls to say them, or me being pressured and angry enough to get them out. I want you to hear them. I want you to know how I'm feeling. Otherwise I'll be sitting here wallowing in my thoughts wishing you could hear me.
So these are the words you may never hear.

Mischief Managed.

About the Blogger

I figured that since I've been doing this blog for a while it's time for me to write some info on myself.

I'm currently in college for Creative Writing but I'm not sure what I want to do with it. I love Harry Potter! (in case you didn't notice) I'm also a big Anime/Manga fan. I cosplay and go to conventions (though not as may as I'd like). I have a passion for anything artsy; photography, drawing, painting, music...

Now to the more personal stuff: If you haven't already read any of my posts yet, then I'll warn you, a lot of the times I blog when I'm feeling a surge of emotions. Both happy and sad. I haven't had the easiest life nor do I expect it to get easier anytime soon. I find myself learning about my environment and myself everyday. I try to cherish everyday and while not everyday is happy there's always something to gain.

Anyways! I love learning about new people so feel free to comment! I love hearing opinions whether they're agreements or not. Hope you all enjoy!

Mischief Managed

Archaic ideals or realistic thinking?

This is just a response paper I wrote for my world civ class. I really felt like I had things to say about the topic and so I decided to post it! Let me know what you all think! 

 

Arranged Marriages: Archaic ideals or realistic thinking?

    The articles “India: The Family” and “No More MoonJune: Love’s Out” in Reading in Global History both explore the disadvantages as well as the advantages of arranged marriages. “India: the Family” explains the specific society and customs of India. It demonstrated the reasoning behind why India’s people prefer arranged marriages than the Western way of matrimony. The article “No More MoonJune: Love’s Out” discusses how love may not be the best choice for decided to marry someone. These articles started to make me think about what really makes a successful marriage and ask myself: Is love really enough?
    As a writer and self-proclaimed romantic I seriously thought going in I would disagree with arranged marriages. I didn’t think that there was anything good about them. Before reading the articles I had no real basis of understanding about why certain societies had arranged marriages. When I read the article about India and its customs I started to open my mind to the realization that they truly believe what they’re doing is right for the family as a whole. I think that one thing the United States seems to lack compared to the traditional societies is the importance of a whole group. Supporting the arguments of the article, “No More MoonJune: Love’s Out,” I believe that Americans are more selfish and only think of personal gain. As I was reading this article I could tell how cynic the writer was about love, but I couldn’t help but agree that there are some benefits of living in a society with arranged marriages. While I don’t agree completely that arranged marriages should be enforced nor do I think a marriage completely based on profit is good; I do think that people need to remember that just because you are in love with someone doesn’t mean that they are a beneficial thing for you. At least once in a person’s life they have to decide if they should choose what is good for them or what they want based on a mere feeling. If I were to look at a twenty year old women in an arranged marriage and compare her personality and way of thinking to a married women the same age in America; I would see how dependent the American women would be on their partner. As a twenty year old American girl I know just how much pressure there is on finding a mate and love as well. An arranged marriage is based on a specific belief, not on the satisfaction of the participating people. When I looked back at the factors that a family looks at when finding a mate for their family member I realized how similar the conditions were to a modern day search for a partner in life. Location, family environment, and place in society all are factors a person now would think about if they were interested in a long-term relationship with someone. Another thing American marriages have in common with arranged marriages is that it all boils down to a primitive want: to continue a blood line. In less archaic terms; create a family. One sentence that really hit me was, “everyone can find something to love, honor, and cherish in anyone else” (RGH 55). While arranged marriages don’t seem fair for at least one of the people involved, I can’t deny that an arranged marriage does force a person to actually find something positive in another. This is something I feel today’s American society has forgotten.
    All in all, I can’t say I completely agree with arranged marriages. However, I do think that people need to think realize that they need to look at how things affect others and not just themselves. Also I believe that people need to understand that is more to life than just self-satisfaction.

Mischief Managed

IWILL.

 Well I'm back home. I''m in an inspired mood today. This past summer has taught me so many things about life and myself. I went into camp thinking it was going to be just a job and came out with more things learned than the campers did. It has become another home to me. I've learned throughout my life that there are so many different places that I call home. It's no one solitary place; it's where you're loved and treated as an equal and pushed through your limits to expand your thinking and experiences. There is no one word I could use to describe my summer because it was that crazy. I've been shown that my dream is achievable and if I really want something I can just go for it. It may be completely crazy and unconventional but hell! if it's what I want, then that's all that matters. The friends I made at camp (as tacky as it sounds) are going to be my friends for life. So by this time next year I'm going to have gone to England. I'm going to travel and spend my time abroad and see where life takes me. I want to see the world...so I'm going to.

I guess you could also say that getting into a relationship with a guy that actually treats me well and cares for me has also added "fuel to the fire". I'm not sure where thing's will go but they're progressing and that's all that matters. I've been hurt too many times and I refuse to lose faith in love. Right when I was about to let go and give up; something surprising and exciting occurred. I put myself out there expecting rejection but was enlightened to hope once again.

I learned this summer not to take life for granted. I had the unfortunate experience of a death of a former teacher as well as a mother of a close friend. My friend's loss inspired him to do things he didn't think he'd ever do, which in turn, got me thinking. Why wait? 5 years from now I don't want to be stuck in the same old small town thinking about what I wish I could have done. The only thing stopping me was myself. I was letting my parents' excuses become my own and I was taught to keep asking "why not".

I made a collage in the beginning of camp that expresses my will to travel. Which is pictured above.

So I hope that anyone who reads this will learn at least a little bit of my message. Life is way too short to let it fly by. I want to start a campaign called IWILL. Maybe it'll catch on? Where anyone can do what they want so long as they have the passion and courage to fight for it.
Anyways! Tah-tah for now! I'm off to catch some zzz's! Hope you all have enjoyed your summers and good luck with school starting!

Mischief Managed.

7-25-11 Day ???

Too many things have happened since the last time I've updated and because I'm am too tired to type them all out now I won't. All you need to know is that I've been very busy, hence why I haven't updated as much. The kids here are great. I've been switched over to Relief staff which is a lot more relaxing and now I don't have to worry about missing out on laundry stuff. Anyways, I've got to go! Love you all!!


Mischief Managed